making peace with the past...

One year ago today my father passed away. He had a stroke in March of 2001, was partially paralyzed and basically was not a happy person for quite a long time. Don't get me wrong, he had a lot of life left in him but he just gave up the fight. In fact he had told us for YEARS that he wished that the good Lord would take him & he finally did on 9/11/07. I wanted my Dad to be around for his children but mostly his grandchildren, my children. He did not even get to know them yet. I did not even have picture's of him with them. That was a VERY selfish reason for me to think of before he died. The last few years he made all of our lives very difficult. My Mom was his care taker & had it the worst. Her own health deterorated due to taking care of him. Someone once told me to not do a thing for him so he could do for himself first. Well, that flew out the window the first week he was home. From time to time I think back to the type of relationship I had with my Dad. It was one WILD ride, some moments of smooth sailing but definitely some turbulance. LOL! When I was little I looked up to my Dad, I remember holding his hand as we would walk down the street. It was not until I hit puberty that things became difficult. I started to have a voice and an opinion that was not always his. We had a challenging relationship to say the least. We both spoke our minds and were stubborn. It must be a German thing! ha! The sad part is that my father rarely ever gave me a compliment. (Dad's need to compliment their daughters! I tell Michael this all the time now that he has three of them!) Even during my pregnancy with these four beautiful babies he would often be the critic. He would say "You act like you are the first woman to give birth to four babies at once!". I was the first woman I knew to do it! LOL! This played out a lot in my relationships with men. I had a hard time taking compliments from anyone and I still do! I continue to THANK Michael each day for sticking with me & showing me that not all men are like my Dad! I definitely did not marry my father! LOL! There were many times that I wished my Dad would be like my friends father's but that was not him. He would tell it like it was, and that was that. Many people could not handle his candor. In hindsight that is one thing that that I valued from him, his honesty. He was an HONEST man. He might have had many faults but he did not lie to you. I have way too many people that tell you what they think you want to hear instead of the truth. My Dad would do ANYTHING for anyone. One time he brought home a customer's dog because they had no one to watch him when they went out of town. This dog was MEAN! My Dad did not care, he was helping someone. Just one of the many things he would do for someone else. No matter how difficult our relationship was he was still my Dad & I loved him. My father was quite the patriotic man. He had an eagle collection that most would envy. He LOVED the military & anything patriotic. His own father died on the 4th of July. That is why it is amazing that he died on 9/11, Patriot's Day! I think he planned it that way! It AMAZES me how my father has touched other people. My sister in law Laurie's, aka "Aunt Larry" (It's a LONG story), parents Dorsey & Eleanor LOVED my Dad. They gave me a beautiful plaque with a picture of my Dad on it which hangs in our living room. Dorsey is quite the character & had them ingrave aka Spencer Tracy on the plaque. He thought my Dad reminded him of him. My Dad LOVED that! It was SO sweet of them to remember him! The babies now go over to that plaque & point to it when I ask them where Grandpa is. Well, they either point to the plague on the wall, up in the air to say he is in heaven or better yet to their hearts. I always's point to their hearts & tell them that he is in there. I FINALLY taught them something! YAY! So much has gone on over the past year. These children have grown up SO much. They really need their Grandpa, I need my Dad. But that is not to be. It is hard to believe that he is really gone & will not see them grow up! That part hurt the most when he died. You see my fathers father died many years before I was ever born. So I know what it was like to not have a grandfather. I really hope that my Dad is watching us from above. I hope he wishes he had a few more years with them & us. You can never change the past just learn from it & look to the future. So on Patriots Day of all day's I am...

making peace with the past....